Dear Tender-hearted Reader:

About 25 years ago, when we were studying A Course In Miracles, I remember the day I first heard the quote “The holiest Place on Earth Is Where an Ancient Hatred Becomes a Present Love.”  The quote stopped me in my tracks.  It woke me up to an understanding formerly unavailable to me.

Back then, I thought it meant to pray for peace in the Middle East.  I thought praying for peace “out there”, in one of the most troubled spots on the planet, was the true meaning of that quote.  So, because I believed that, it was true for me then, as I know it's true for many kind folks around the world now.

Today the quote has more of an internal meaning.  I know now that I have to begin with peace inside myself.  This ancient hatred I thought existed across the earth actually lives in me.  It's my hatred and my war.

If I can find a way to accept this old, wounded, deeply troubled part of me  – if I can find peace within myself about my own inner war, I can then project that sense out into the world. I can also accept that it's not my call what goes on in the Middle East.  The Middle East, from a larger perspective, is in the hands of the Great Mystery.  I don't personally know why war happens there or anywhere else, and I don't really know that it SHOULD stop...  

Even though the part of me connected with humanitarian causes all around the globe says –  “war and suffering and everything in between is “wrong” - it's a crime against humanity”, another part gives up control and says “maybe I don't KNOW the answer”.

When I think “It should be over and a loving God would not allow this”, the loving God that lives in the wellspring of my being has shown me that I really do have to make room in my heart for my own hate, my own suffering.  I can't get rid of those parts of myself I consider despicable.  I have tried. If I am at war with war I create more war.  

Perhaps the hateful part of me needs to be loved.  It's so easy to love myself when I am peaceful, when I am calm, when blame for myself or for anyone else is not occurring.  The possibility of loving myself while I am hating myself is paradoxical.  Yet, this is my inner experience.  If I can say, if only for a second or two, I can accept my hate, my suffering – know they are part of me and welcome them into the circle of kindness inside me, then integration occurs.

I didn't get rid of my human condition.  I did not pretend it does not exist.  I said, “I see you”.  The incremental steps I take towards accepting this hatred turns it into a kind of love that is a deep self acceptance. The fight is over(for now).

When 9/11 occurred, I was frightened and angry, like most every other American.  I didn't lose a loved one, though in a much larger context, all sentient beings are my “loved ones.”  As time went on, I began to consider that the ones who flew the planes and the ones who were attacked are aspects of myself.  I am the killer and the killed(the victim and the perpetrator).

I know this is not a socially acceptable cultural view; it is the view that gives me the most peace.  From that perspective, I can pray for everyone engaged in the conflict without prejudice.  The prayer, though, has to start inside my own being.  If I can make room for the angriest and most war-like part of me, I can consider letting go of retaliation.  This is a TALL order and I'm certainly not suggesting I have attained this state of peace or calm except for moments that are growing as I continue my practice.

One of my favorite Santa Fe bumper stickers is “I pray for peace for all beings without exception.”  My quote would be “I pray to love all the war and suffering that lives in me.”  If I can do that, I don't have to pass it on.

Claude Thomas, author of “At Hell's Gate, A Soldier's Journey from War to Peace”, has been instrumental in helping me shift my consciousness.  His moving memoir is about his service in Vietnam, his subsequent emotional collapse and journey toward healing.  He says “everyone has their own Vietnam.”


I”m going to end with Thich Nhat Hahn's poem called “Call me by my True Names.”

Call Me By My True Names
By Thich Nhat Hahn

Don’t say that I will depart tomorrow –
Even today I am still arriving.

Look deeply; every second I am arriving
To be a bud on a Spring branch,
To be a tiny bird, with still-fragile wings,
Learning to sing in my new nest
To be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower
To be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.

 I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
To fear and to hope.

 The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death
Of all that is alive.

I am the mayfly metamorphosing
On the surface of the river.
And I am the bird 
That swoops down to swallow the mayfly.

 I am the frog swimming happily
In the clear water of a pond.
And I am the grass snake
That silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
My legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
Selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

 I am the 12 year old girl refugee on a small boat,
Who throws herself into the ocean
After being raped by a sea pirate.
And I am the pirate,
My heart capable of seeing and loving.

 I am a member of the politburo
With plenty of power in my hands.
And I am the man who has to pay
His “debt of blood” to my people
Dying slowly in a forced labor camp.

 My joy is like spring, so warm
It makes flowers bloom all over the Earth.
My pain is like a river of tears,
So vast it fills the four oceans.

Please call me by my true names,
So I can hear all my cries and my laughter at once,
So I can see that my joy and pain are one.

Please call me by my true names,
So I can wake up,
And so the door of my heart
Can be left open, 
The door of compassion.

BOWING TOWARDS YOU AND ALL THE GREAT TEACHERS,

(BUDDHA, MOHAMMED, CHRIST, THICH NHAT HAHN, Quan Yin...)

PATRICIA

This is my first blog. I didn't publish it first, but it's time now to bring it on out. I settled on the topic “authenticity”.  Of course, I have to start with me and by starting with me, I have a chance to make a real connection with you, my reader. This is what my anxiety-ridden mind has to say(my first authentic expression): “This blog has to be 'perfect!'  If it isn't 'perfect', I'll never get a following and if I never get a following, then I have failed miserably.  And if I fail miserably, I might as well be dead. My life depends on this 'perfect' blog!”

Ok, so I'm a little desperate, having a touch of performance anxiety and maybe I'm slightly caught up in the results, But, still...

I love to be real and I love writers and teachers who are deep-in-the-bone real.  Jeff Foster, and Annie Lamott, two of my favorite authors, come to mind.  I'm not interested in the kind of communication that comes from the mind without ever passing through the heart.  Even though my inner critic says “I should be writing more from a clinical perspective and I should absolutely  leave myself out of the equation!”   I just long to share what is real in me and to hear what is real in you.

Another noticing as I begin this blog and another opportunity to be 'real' is that I've spent years being a “techno-phobe” but something has changed, split open inside me.  At the beginning of the year, I had this radical idea “I want to make technology my friend this year.” I truly did not think this was possible! I have been at war with technology since the first computers came out.

And now here I am excited to have the possibility to be connecting with folks all over the world.  I get to share my deepest heart, put it on Facebook, learn to Twitter and OMG I can even see some podcasts in my future.  What a 65 year old surprise!

I'm thinking now “What is authenticity anyway?”  The truest definition I can think of is that I am the author of my own experience.  It isn't a “good” experience or a “bad” experience; it's just my true experience and it's beautiful in its own right.  So are you! The holiest place on earth is when we meet heart to heart,  souls broken open.  

My experience of relationship is that the more I can attend to my own “felt” experience and my partner can also share his own experience, the more intimacy we can create together.  I see authenticity as the bridge to intimacy and I believe that one of our primary purposes in this world is to learn to love and be loved. 

Often when couples come into my office, they think they have a communication problem.  What I discover, most of the time, is that they actually have a self-awareness problem.  Since they don't really know what they are feeling, they cannot be vulnerable with one another on a feeling level.  

Many couples do know what they are mad about and are often in the midst of blaming their partners or themselves.  What they usually don't know about are the vulnerable feelings underneath the criticism.  They don't know about their true wants and needs.  They don't know how to communicate kindly and respectfully.  

When we externalize(blame someone else) or internalize our pain(blame ourselves), we push our partners away.  What is oft underneath the anger are more vulnerable feelings like fear or grief or perhaps a longing for a deeper connection. Many couples have no idea how to create that. 

When these couples are WILLLING, sometimes with my help in a couples counseling/coaching setting, they begin to know themselves and their deeper feelings better.  Once that happens, they can connect and thus feel more fulfilled in their relational life. 

While working with a couple on the East Coast this week, I noticed that when the man misses his wife, he gets really cranky.  Then, she feels attacked and hurt.  She moves further away from him.  What we discovered is that he doesn't know how to say “I'm feeling lonely and I miss you.”  When he shares his deeper experience, she then draws closer. This is a beautiful thing.

We wrote a workbook, with our close couple friends, which is called “Couples Supporting Couples.”  This workbook is only available on special order.  The book is about how to communicate authentically so that intimacy blossoms.  Using our own relationships as examples, we created many processes within the book to help couples get to know one another more deeply, to communicate more clearly and to work through conflict.  The book is a DO IT YOURSELF, and with another couple, manual for healthy relationship.

It is my desire as I continue this blog throughout the coming years, that I can “keep it real”.  I'd love to hear any comments you may have.
 

ALL HONOR TO YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY,

PATRICIA

Rumi's poem, The Love Dog Poem was the central guiding force for my book, “Becoming a Love Dog”.  (available on Amazon.com) The part of that poem that so speaks to my heart is:

“The grief you cry out from draws you towards union.
Your pure sadness that wants help
IS the secret cup...”

When I find myself bereft, lost, and experiencing a kind of longing, this poem is often my saving grace.  It reminds me that my grieving and longing is a part of my connection with the Divine – in those moments, it IS my connection with the Divine.  Once I see that my longing for God IS GOD, self acceptance lands in me.  I relax into the knowing that all is well, that it's just my heart reaching for the LARGER HEART.  

When I met Pamela, my protege', about a year and a half ago; the first thing I noticed about her as she spoke is that she was a woman burning with a desire for God, (love dog meets love dog).  I recognized her as someone I didn't even know I was looking for.  I had this sense that I could leave the legacy of my work through her; that we were kindred souls; that we would share a destiny.

Some of that awareness came at once; some of it has spread gradually throughout our beings.  We spent our first few months getting to know each other soul to soul!  We took walks in the woods, and listened to one another's soul stories, and delighted in one another's presence.  It felt exactly like another of Rumi's quotes:

“Lovers don't really meet; they are in each other all along...”

Over the past year, our relationship has blossomed.  A primary aspect is that I am sharing my work with her; allowing her to sit in on soul sessions; inviting her to accompany me as I offer workshops, sharing all the skills I've learned over my years in practice in psycho-spiritual counseling and life coaching.  It has been an ecstatic, synchronistic experience.  

We have asked Rumi and Shams Tabrizi to be our guides, our soul mentors; our place of rejuvenation and direction.  I'm not, by the way, saying I'm Shams and Pamela is Rumi, as we are both well aware of our human conditions and their many places of needing healing; I am saying that Rumi and Shams hold space for us and that there is an aspect of the ecstatic love shared by our guides within us and between us.

When I watch Pamela begin to do soul work with clients, it is one of the deepest pleasures of my whole life.  I KNOW we were meant to connect in this way at this time and that we have much to offer this world.

 This relationship is not hierarchical, it is mutual.  While I have my life's work to offer Pamela, I am offering her my whole heart and she is meeting me there with her whole heart.  There are many gifts she brings to our partnership table and there are times I am her student.  Student and Teacher are ONE!  

Our organization is called Leading from the Hearts... We invite you, sweet souls, to any of our coming offerings...

All honor to you on your journey,  Patricia

(in the throes of television addiction)

Dear Tender-hearted reader:
Yesterday was a sweet day, a sweet Sunday, which I spent just being in the moment in meditation, making soup, gardening, swimming, writing, feeling deeply connected with myself, my husband and the Universe.

Around 7:30, I started watching West Wing reruns.  West Wing has a total of 156 episodes.  I am in love with Martin Sheen and the entire cast.  I am dramatically pulled in by the way these primarily moral politicians are running the country.  The show is a balm for the part of me that cannot tolerate the ugliness of US politics in real life.  Last night I watched episodes 143-150.  It was quite an escape.  I must admit I got a little carried away,

This morning I am hungover, ashamed, saddened, depleted and remorseful.  I imagine this is the way an alcoholic or drug addict feels after a drinking spree.

From my attendance at 12 step meetings  through the years, I have learned that this is how an addiction works.  Even though I am convinced I could have stopped at any moment, just gotten up and turned off the tube.  The truth is that I could not stop!  I had no control.  The romance, the drama and the escape took over my life.  I was in an alternate reality-The West Wing reality.

12 step programs teach that addiction is not a  matter of weak moral character; rather, it is an illness.  Just like an alcoholic who cannot stop at one drink – I could not stop at one episode.   I was powerless...

Even when my husband complained at midnight that the show was interrupting his sleep and even when he got up and went to bed in the guest room shortly after that, I could not turn it off.  Even though I love this man truly and deeply and for thirty years – West Wing and my fix took priority.

Today is a big day in my business.  I am booked solid 8:30 through 5:30, not even a lunch break.  I didn't care about that last night though.  I couldn't imagine how I'm going to show up for work today.  I really didn't think I could 'be present'.  Then my husband wanted a date  this evening-  and I wasn't sure I could pull that off either.

The wounded, little catholic girl inside me this morning is thinking “I'm bad,”  “I'm a sinner”, “I won't get into heaven.”  (these are old, old thoughts -  I would say they are my original sin spell!)  I could go on with this voice! 

Saturday night we went to a concert by “Over the Rhine” and they sang a song called “All of my favorite people are broken”.  That song has been playing itself in the background of my mind the whole time I've been writing this blog.  

I am broken and perhaps I could be one of my favorite people as well.  I'd like to be someone who loves herself when I have a truly connected day and even while I have escaped into a television binge.

I didn't start the morning in self love, but that tune is so healing and if I can find it in my heart to drop the self loathing, unconditional love returns.

Another 12 step teaching is that I cannot, we cannot, do our healing process alone.  I can only heal from the throes of addiction if I take the hand of this God of my Understanding and if I let others in who are, one day at a time, releasing their addictions.  I believe that the God of my Understanding KNEW that my attending that conference the night before and hearing that sweet song would save me.

Just as I am broken, I am also made whole by my brokenness.  While I have not yet completely forgiven myself for this slip into addiction and escapism, I can feel my heart beginning to soften around it.  I've asked the God of my Understanding to take me through the day, be my voice, conduct my sessions and bring me back into balance with myself and my husband (who has already forgiven me).  

Another possibility is that I could admit that I had a rough night, and I am not at my best self and I could reschedule the sessions.  I've decided to do them one at a time and see if I can show up.

What I most want is to learn to integrate the belief that everything, really everything, even this slip, this dark night, is a part of God.  The God I truly love is a loving God who always says he/she has room on her lap for me even when I'm in a dark night of the soul, not only when I'm on the other side – but right now, as my heart breaks open while I share with you, my reader!

Bowing towards you,
Patricia

I chose a opalescent stone on a silver band.  I took myself out to a fabulous restaurant with real silver, pristine white linen napkins, a single red rose, and dancing candlelights.  I asked the violinist to serenade me.  I did not check the prices on the menu and I ordered a simple yet delicious meal.  Over dinner I had some intimate conversations with myself in my new leather journal.  I rocked myself as I went to sleep that night.  

What being engaged to myself meant to me back then was that I would have a deeper connection with myself.  I would face my many inner conflicts honestly, proving I could hang in there with myself.  If I happened to abandon myself, I would notice as soon as possible, and forgive myself for walking away when I most needed my own love.

I would return to my inner home, again and again and again.

Come, Come, Whoever You Are
By J. Rumi

Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
It doesn’t matter
Ours is not a caravan of despair
Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
Come, yet again, come, come…

My wedding took place in May, 1989 in our tiny backyard rose garden.

I was surrounded by my husband and a few very close friends.  I wore a simple sage green a-line dress with tiny white polka dots.  I was barefoot in the grass.  I was radiant.

When I looked in the antique mirror, I said relatively traditional vows.

I knew the marriage ceremony was an outward expression of what was already happening inside me.  That inner marriage was a turning point both in my emotional maturity and in my spiritual life.  I began the process of looking inside for things that I expected I should get from a partner.

By then I had experienced two short-term, very disappointing marriages to men.  They were great learning experiences, though how could I get from them what did not already reside in me?

I thought they should meet all my needs, and be father figures who filled the hole left by the early death of my father.  They should offer me constant, unconditional love (like God).  They should want me, lust after me and pine for me if I wasn't there.

WOW – WHAT A SET-UP!  How could these men possibly fill this tall bill?  They didn't and they couldn't.  These deep holes were “my holes” and my personal inner work.

My inner connection and my connection with the God of my Understanding is my true marriage.  My 3rd marriage to my life partner, also extending all these many years, is the icing on the cake.  NO CAKE – NO ICING!

Beginning in 1990, I taught a training called Leading from the Heart.  After the lst year of deep inner work, each student graduated by creating their own inner marriage and celebration.

Perhaps marrying myself was a radical concept OR perhaps this inner marriage is what is missing for many, many folks.

Sweet reader, perhaps you could pause for a moment now and light a candle in your own name.  Maybe you are ready to go steady with you.  Maybe you are ready for inner engagement or marriage.  Wherever you are on your path, this blog is a call for homecoming!

Happy Valentine's Day,
Patricia