Dear Ones,

In the wee hours of the morning yesterday, I was out walking the visiting dog, Sky, and I began getting dizzy.  I HAD to sit down.  Getting back home, even though it was only two blocks out, was a challenge and I had to sit down often.

The symptoms I was having were similar to a heart condition I'd had a few years back called takotsubo.  My heart muscle weakened and collapsed.  This condition shows up like a heart attack but is not a heart attack.  It can be treated with medicine and in some cases, heals.  In my case, after about six months of treatment, my heart mended.

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

and, the wisdom to know the difference...

At one point, after several hours of sitting in the hospital bed, I was getting  uncomfortable and the back pain was getting harder to deal with.   Just as I was considering pushing the red button for help, a woman parted the curtains and introduced herself as “Mo.”  She said she was a “comfort specialist”, a Harvard Divinity School Ph.d., that the hospital had hired to address the needs of the patients in the ER.  Mo wheeled my bed to a more comfortable position, got me a new pillow, water with lemon and heated a blanket.  She said it's the best job she has ever had and that she gets so much comfort from offering comfort to others.  This sounds unbelievable even to me even though I was the recipient of the comfort she was providing.

When I am having difficult experiences emotionally or physically, I feel like I get carried by loving hands.  I know that in the coming days, there will be times I can't accept this weakness or dizziness.  There will be times that I think it's my fault.  There will be times that I think it should not be happening.  These thoughts are my human condition. They are not the 'spiritual truth' but they are regular visitors.   

The thing with atrial fibrillation is that it can happen anytime, or for a few times or it may become an ongoing health problem that lasts for the rest of my life.  I'll be getting more tests in a week or so.  Meantime, I get to be in the “unknown.”  When I see the unknown as a natural part of life, especially as I age, I can tolerate it; surrender to it; let it have me, then a quiet beauty resides in my inner being.  Accepting “what is” as it is, is the way home.  I am so grateful when I can rest accepting things exactly as they are.

We are all, in every single moment, on the edge of living and dying.  We are truly in the unknown, even though we try to pretend things are under control.  There have been so many years that feel like lifetimes that I have hated the unknown.  It seemed like my very life depended on getting my ducks in a row.  Now, more of the time, when things get messy, I'm willing to go along on the ride, let the river take me where it will.  

The message that I'm getting from my sweet heart is to take more care of myself than I ever have.  Doing service and learning to be still is of equal importance in my life today.  My heart is saying, “say no to working with anyone that might hurt your heart or cost too much energy.” It is telling me to make the pauses between things bigger and the efforting smaller.  Treasure your heart.  Slow your pace.  Trust your own personal understanding of God.” 

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TODAY,

Patricia

Dog
You are so noble,
Until the bitter end,
Your medicine is the teaching,
Of true and loyal friends. 

Dog has been considered the servant of humanity throughout history.  If a person carries dog medicine, he or she is usually serving humanity in some way.  I think dogs teach us to move into service; that has certainly been true for me.

Today, in just a few hours we are experimenting with a new dog.  A breeder from High Desert Laboradors in Texas is giving us a chance to try out her dog.  The dog's name is Sky.  She is two years old, beautiful white coat and deep chocolate brown eyes.  Sky is described as having a sweet temperament and she knows her basic commands.  

The reason Sky is coming on “trial” and not for good is because I don't want to repeat my experience with Rosie.  It was too hard to have a dog that needed so much from me and who had little capacity to give back yet I loved her and I considered her my teacher.  She helped me accept my own neediness, my own inability to let go into the love.

Sky will  be here for 10 days.  She also has degenerative hip disease which is osteo-arthritis.  Both Grace and Joli had to have all 4 knees replaced though they were older when the disease showed up.  Sky's hip issues may or may not intensify sooner rather than later.  This isn't a deal breaker though.  If she has the qualities of an emotional support service dog, we would be happy to help care for her body.

Her owner and I agree, if we are the “right match” and can partner well, then this will be a “go.”  If not, Sky is already dearly and deeply loved and she'll have an experience with us much like when kids go to camp.  She'll return home after a great vacation with new friends. 

In the twelve- step model, which is part of my own spiritual path, the second step states, “We came to believe that there is a power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity.”  I have translated that step to be, “I came to believe that there is a power much vaster than I and also living deep within the wellspring of my being, who can restore me to wholeness.”  Sky will help me to further embody that step.  Her vastness as “Sky”, if she is “the one”, will bring calm and stillness into my heart.

I WISH THAT YOUR DOG OR CAT OR CHILD OR PARENT IS ALSO A MANIFESTATION OF GOD FOR YOU,

PATRICIA

P.S.  It turned out Sky was not “the one”.  It was a wonderful experiment though.  I learned I am no longer able to handle a big, active dog with a tremendous amount of energy.  Sky went to a family near here with 3 younger kids...

Dear Kind Readers,

Often times, when I begin soul work with my students, they have shut down their concept of God because of earlier experience with traditional religion. Sometimes they will consider “nature” as a potential point of reference.  Many times the word “God” is loaded and we have to take the topic off the table so that they can feel safe in our work.  At the same time, they often express a desire to use our work to create emotional maturity, a part of which is to return to their own inner knowingness, enliven their own spirits.

Come, Come, Whoever You are
By J. Rumi

Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
It doesn’t matter
Ours is not a caravan of despair
Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
Come, yet again, come, come…

Dear Ones,

There have been so many times throughout my life and recently where I have railed against the “unknown.”  I have used food, alcohol, occasional drugs, television, romance novels, etc., to try to slip away from the feelings that come up when I don't have the answers.  I know I'm not unusual.  The illusion of control has, ruled my life and career and all my relations since I can remember.