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Surrender During A Sudden Illness

4/27/2015

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Picture“God grant me the serenity…”
Dear Ones,

In the wee hours of the morning yesterday, I was out walking the visiting dog, Sky, and I began getting dizzy.  I HAD to sit down.  Getting back home, even though it was only two blocks out, was a challenge and I had to sit down often.

The symptoms I was having were similar to a heart condition I'd had a few years back called takotsubo.  My heart muscle weakened and collapsed.  This condition shows up like a heart attack but is not a heart attack.  It can be treated with medicine and in some cases, heals.  In my case, after about six months of treatment, my heart mended.

I knew the symptoms I was having were similar to what I experienced then. I could see I was having atrial fibrillation which is a condition where the rhythm of the heart speeds up or slows down.  One's risk of stroke increases by 6% during atrial fibrillation.  

While I was on my way back to the house, I was both weak and frightened.  How could I not be?  That feeling of loss of control washed over me and I wanted to fight the symptoms.  I was having a hard time being in the moment and accepting things just as they are.

After just a few hours, though, a great calm took over.  When I went to Urgent Care and they confirmed “a-fib”, I was not surprised and I was actually open to the experience.  When I was sent to the ER, since I have had that 'racing heart' experience several times in the past, I knew the ropes.

I know this is an unusual word to describe my experience in the ER – but it was my authentic experience.  I enjoyed being tended by the nurses.  I appreciated getting some oxygen and some fluids.  I felt taken care of, held. Throughout the early hours in the ER, the Serenity Prayer was looping through my mind.  I was not saying the prayer, the prayer was saying me.  
God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

and, the wisdom to know the difference...
At one point, after several hours of sitting in the hospital bed, I was getting  uncomfortable and the back pain was getting harder to deal with.   Just as I was considering pushing the red button for help, a woman parted the curtains and introduced herself as “Mo.”  She said she was a “comfort specialist”, a Harvard Divinity School Ph.d., that the hospital had hired to address the needs of the patients in the ER.  Mo wheeled my bed to a more comfortable position, got me a new pillow, water with lemon and heated a blanket.  She said it's the best job she has ever had and that she gets so much comfort from offering comfort to others.  This sounds unbelievable even to me even though I was the recipient of the comfort she was providing.

When I am having difficult experiences emotionally or physically, I feel like I get carried by loving hands.  I know that in the coming days, there will be times I can't accept this weakness or dizziness.  There will be times that I think it's my fault.  There will be times that I think it should not be happening.  These thoughts are my human condition. They are not the 'spiritual truth' but they are regular visitors.   

The thing with atrial fibrillation is that it can happen anytime, or for a few times or it may become an ongoing health problem that lasts for the rest of my life.  I'll be getting more tests in a week or so.  Meantime, I get to be in the “unknown.”  When I see the unknown as a natural part of life, especially as I age, I can tolerate it; surrender to it; let it have me, then a quiet beauty resides in my inner being.  Accepting “what is” as it is, is the way home.  I am so grateful when I can rest accepting things exactly as they are.

We are all, in every single moment, on the edge of living and dying.  We are truly in the unknown, even though we try to pretend things are under control.  There have been so many years that feel like lifetimes that I have hated the unknown.  It seemed like my very life depended on getting my ducks in a row.  Now, more of the time, when things get messy, I'm willing to go along on the ride, let the river take me where it will.  

The message that I'm getting from my sweet heart is to take more care of myself than I ever have.  Doing service and learning to be still is of equal importance in my life today.  My heart is saying, “say no to working with anyone that might hurt your heart or cost too much energy.” It is telling me to make the pauses between things bigger and the efforting smaller.  Treasure your heart.  Slow your pace.  Trust your own personal understanding of God.” 

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING TODAY,

Patricia
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There is a Reason "Dog" Is "God" Spelled Backwards

4/20/2015

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Picture
Pamela’s dog, Louis
Patricia’s grand-dog
Dear Ones,

My partner and I are what you call “dog people”.  What that means is that we adore dogs of all kinds and all breeds.  We bond with a dog before we have even met the dog.  We believe that their unconditional love is a part of God; they are “tenderness” personified or should I say “dogified”.

A few years into our relationship, we began to discover just how deep the love for dogs was within us.  As soon as we realized that, we went shopping one day in the mountains of Colorado.  In a simple discussion, we decided our relationship was ready for a dog, English Goldens would be the best breed and it was TIME...

We found our girl that same day.  We named her Grace.  She was a white english golden retriever.  You know, the kind with a very white coat, big, square jaw and the sweet, sweet temperament.  We decided that we would name her “Grace” so that every time we looked at her or called her name, we would experience grace.  Believe it or not, that is EXACTLY what happened.



Grace remained with us for 13 years.  My personal relationship with her was holy.  She became a spirit guide, mother at times, daughter at times, best friend, hiking  and swimming companion and overall soul companion.  Grace was a part of me and when she died my grief was profound, and, on some level still is today.  She remains my “invisible service companion.”

There were two dogs that followed.  Joli came to us to help me survive the loss of Grace and she was a devoted yellow lab chow mix.  After Joli died, Rosie came to us.  She was also a lab and she turned out to have serious separation anxiety issues.  Rosie was not able to “give” much because her needs were so great. Since I was used to Grace and Joli giving and giving and then giving some more, and then giving back to them in that wholehearted way, Rosie was a challenge.  I loved her and it was more of a relationship like parent to troubled child.

I realize now, that what I really need is a dog who is an emotional support service dog.  As I age, the calm a dog can bring becomes increasingly more necessary for me.  It's also quite helpful, when I work with clients for “dog energy” to be in the room.  Clients relax more and have an easier time truly opening up.

In the Medicine Cards “The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals” by Sams and Carson, dogs embody the quality of loyalty.  I remember that in my relationship with the God of My Understanding, God's loyalty continues to teach me how to be constant with myself; whether I am behaving in a way that I appreciate or not,  God still wags her tail.

Here's the poem that describes dogs in that reference book.
Dog
You are so noble,
Until the bitter end,
Your medicine is the teaching,
Of true and loyal friends. 
Dog has been considered the servant of humanity throughout history.  If a person carries dog medicine, he or she is usually serving humanity in some way.  I think dogs teach us to move into service; that has certainly been true for me.

Today, in just a few hours we are experimenting with a new dog.  A breeder from High Desert Laboradors in Texas is giving us a chance to try out her dog.  The dog's name is Sky.  She is two years old, beautiful white coat and deep chocolate brown eyes.  Sky is described as having a sweet temperament and she knows her basic commands.  

The reason Sky is coming on “trial” and not for good is because I don't want to repeat my experience with Rosie.  It was too hard to have a dog that needed so much from me and who had little capacity to give back yet I loved her and I considered her my teacher.  She helped me accept my own neediness, my own inability to let go into the love.

Sky will  be here for 10 days.  She also has degenerative hip disease which is osteo-arthritis.  Both Grace and Joli had to have all 4 knees replaced though they were older when the disease showed up.  Sky's hip issues may or may not intensify sooner rather than later.  This isn't a deal breaker though.  If she has the qualities of an emotional support service dog, we would be happy to help care for her body.

Her owner and I agree, if we are the “right match” and can partner well, then this will be a “go.”  If not, Sky is already dearly and deeply loved and she'll have an experience with us much like when kids go to camp.  She'll return home after a great vacation with new friends. 

In the twelve- step model, which is part of my own spiritual path, the second step states, “We came to believe that there is a power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity.”  I have translated that step to be, “I came to believe that there is a power much vaster than I and also living deep within the wellspring of my being, who can restore me to wholeness.”  Sky will help me to further embody that step.  Her vastness as “Sky”, if she is “the one”, will bring calm and stillness into my heart.

I WISH THAT YOUR DOG OR CAT OR CHILD OR PARENT IS ALSO A MANIFESTATION OF GOD FOR YOU,

PATRICIA

P.S.  It turned out Sky was not “the one”.  It was a wonderful experiment though.  I learned I am no longer able to handle a big, active dog with a tremendous amount of energy.  Sky went to a family near here with 3 younger kids...
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Expanding The God Of One's Personal Understanding

4/13/2015

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PicturePhoto by Carolyn Lake
Dear Kind Readers,

Often times, when I begin soul work with my students, they have shut down their concept of God because of earlier experience with traditional religion. Sometimes they will consider “nature” as a potential point of reference.  Many times the word “God” is loaded and we have to take the topic off the table so that they can feel safe in our work.  At the same time, they often express a desire to use our work to create emotional maturity, a part of which is to return to their own inner knowingness, enliven their own spirits.



As we continue our work though, and as each student begins to forgive him/herself, and  their past, and as they clear out old patterns and stuck emotions, their spiritual lives begin coming back into view.  

This is an exciting time for both of us.  Now we are looking at a clear white canvass on which they can write whatever is true for them this moment about their inner lives.  One student has defined her God as Yoda, another as a “never-ending river flowing inside” and a third has returned to her earlier religion but has taken the dogma(the dead rules) out of the picture.

It's not important to me what their new definition is; it is important that they see that they can grow up in their spiritual lives.  They do not have to choose their parent's idea of religion and they do not have to rebel and choose the opposite of their parent's religion.  They get to choose. They get to take what they like and leave the rest. 

If they shift away from religion and rebellion from religion, they can create a vital spiritual life.  The reason that is so important is because without having a connection with Spirit, they are often left resourceless.  There have been times in my own life and in the lives of most of my students, that our problems cannot be resolved by any human power.  These 'dark nights of the soul' must be experienced and in traveling through them, the Spirit of resiliency can come back into focus.

My own picture of my spirituality is diverse, eclectic and open-ended.  I was 17 when I left Catholicism and I always say I did not “fall away”, I rose.  My God is an every day God and God is part of my whole experience.  I love dogs, horses and elephants and I consider them spiritual guides.  Prayer, meditation, dancing, gardening and yoga are pathways to my capacity to remain connected.  Poetry and writing always bring me back to center.

I love Sufism and Rumi, Buddhism and Buddha, and Christ but don't consider myself a Christian.  I think if Christ were here today, he wouldn't appreciate many aspects of Christianity either.  I believe in rebirthing, reincarnation and resiliency.

I love many Hindu and Muslim poets and I often use their poems to enter my meditation practice.  I'm fond of the Kabbalah and I love Native American earth based teachings.  My occasional attendance at Quaker services is a comfort as I enjoy sharing the silence.

The form of meditation I use is “contemplative prayer” which comes from the Catholic tradition(I'm grateful to have this link from my past.)  I'm an active participant in 12 step programs.  The Dalai Llama's thought that kindness is his only religion has been a great inspiration to me.  I practice Hawaii's  Shamanistic tradition called Ho o pono pono which translated means “I'm so sorry.  I love you. I forgive you and thank you.”

I see that there are countless paths that carry you to your own spiritual center and you need not choose only one. And, there are many folks who are utterly devoted to one path.  The point is that you get to choose, and choose again! 

I am inviting you, sweet reader, to love, accept and nourish your own true spiritual path even if your path is agnostic or atheistic.  Let it grow as you grow.  No matter what, you are welcome here.  If something touched your heart in this blog, I'm grateful and if not, I respect you completely!

I'll close with one my favorite Rumi poems.
Come, Come, Whoever You are
By J. Rumi

Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
It doesn’t matter
Ours is not a caravan of despair
Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
Come, yet again, come, come…

ALL HONOR TO YOU, DEAR PILGRIM,

Patricia
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Leaning Into The Great Spirit of The Unknown

4/8/2015

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PicturePhoto by Carolyn Lake
Dear Ones,

There have been so many times throughout my life and recently where I have railed against the “unknown.”  I have used food, alcohol, occasional drugs, television, romance novels, etc., to try to slip away from the feelings that come up when I don't have the answers.  I know I'm not unusual.  The illusion of control has, ruled my life and career and all my relations since I can remember.  



When I was 7, and my dad died suddenly in an industrial accident, I became hyper-vigilant.  I started trying to fix and save my family and everyone else so that I wouldn't have to risk losing them.  I gave up on God.  The whole idea that my dad's death was somehow my fault was stuck in my craw.  I see now that I thought that if it was my fault, then I could fix it.  If it was dad's fault or God's fault or his partner on the machine's fault, then I did not have to face the unknown or the accidental nature of life itself.

The idea that there was no fault, that my dad's death was a part of his destiny and a part of the Great Mystery was not something I could live with.  Every time one of the counselors would tell me, “Patti, it wasn't anyone's fault, it was an accident,” I wanted to smack them upside the head.

I truly believed that if I were better at math or perhaps if I were prettier, then he would not have died.  This is a sad story.  While I no longer believe in my culpability for his death, this idea that “it's my fault” still visits my consciousness.  The idea that I'm in charge still sneaks up on me and before you know it I am running the show.  It's about me and there is no force vaster than I.  I believe that FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN AND FEAR OF DEATH ARE WOVEN COMPLETELY INTO THE CORE OF OUR BEINGS!

As the years have passed, I have seen that I need to consider readjusting my thinking. One of the main reasons to consider this shift from self blame into a consciousness of expansion where it is possible to welcome the unknown, including death, is because I don't believe I can die well if I think I'm in charge of the show.  Dying well, to me, means trusting a force both vaster than I and living deep within me to take me through the gates of this life into dying and beyond.  Dying well also means that however I die will be the 'right' way for me to die.

Throughout my final days I'd be thinking “it's my fault” that I'm dying or maybe someone else' fault and that would not allow me to surrender to what is at the moment.   

An essential aspect of my spiritual practice today is doing “The Work” developed by Byron Katie.  If you'd like to explore her work go to her web page which is at www.theworkofbyronkatie.com. The more I practice accepting what is exactly as it is, the more the unknown becomes palatable, on occasion even desirable.  

Every time I have a thought that things should be different - I should not have a return of heart symptoms, I should not feel so low energy, I should not get dizzy, I should not have to cancel plans due to my health – every single time I see that these thoughts are not the 'spiritual truth.'  The spiritual truth is that things should be just as they are whether I understand that or not and Byron Katie's work teaches me that lesson.

I've just recently decided to make “the Great Spirit of the Unknown” a part of my personal understanding of God.  Rather than praying that I have the answers or that this thing I consider difficult not be happening to me, I've been praying only to accept what is happening to me.  I've been praying to the Unknown to help me  accept that I don't know how long atrial fibrillation will last, or why the symptoms have returned or what will happen next.  The Buddhists believe that every illness is an opportunity to practice dying.

I've been praying to accept that I truly don't know the outcome in my health situation in my life, and that the outcome is in the Great Spirit's hands.  I've also been praying to accept myself when I can't accept the unknown and when I am gripping the wheel so tightly I'm getting blisters.

Also, when I pray for others as part of a daily prayer and service practice I have stopped praying that they “get well” or “succeed” or have the thing happen that they seem to really want to happen.  Instead I pray that when they can't accept what's happening, or accept themselves, they find themselves drawn closer to the God of their understanding. I pray to release SPECIFIC outcomes in my own life and in the name of those I pray for.  This isn't an easy prayer yet it is the most sincere prayer I can offer.  Sometimes, in the midst of my morning meditation when my mind stops for a brief while, I get this sense of being in very dark, quiet, beautiful stillness.  Maybe I'll just have more of that when I die.  

I was just thinking about how Oprah writes this column called “What I know for sure.”  Perhaps I'll write a column called “What I don't know for sure.”  Letting my life emerge into the life that is truly best for my soul is the path I've chosen. Whatever you choose, I honor your journey!

BOWING TOWARDS YOU,

Patricia

“The Desert Has Many Teachings”
by Mechtild of Magdenburg
translated  by Oliver Davies

In the desert
Turn towards emptiness
Fleeing the self.

Stand alone.
Ask no one’s help
And your being will quiet 
Free from the bondage of things.

Those who cling to the world,
Endeavor to free.
Those who are free, praise.

Care for the sick,
But live alone,
Happy to drink the waters of sorrow
To kindle love’s fire
With the twigs of a simple life.

Thus you will live in the desert.

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    Patricia Flasch

    Patricia has always been fascinated by the discovery of the Soul and she has spent a lifetime passing her message on to students and seekers all over the world.


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