No says “this is who I am, this is what I value, this is what I will and will not do.” We are always, in the core of our beings, distinct and separate selves.  We need our own No to support that space inside. If we don't know who we are, in and of ourselves, we can't be truly connected with others.

In my personal life, saying “no” has been more of a challenge. I'm going to offer a few examples.

Back in the early 80's, I was in a yoga class and we were doing hand stands.I didn't think I had the forearm strength to hold the posture so I asked the teacher for an easier version. The teacher insisted “it's just a fear block, just resistance, do the posture, and you'll find you do have the strength.” We went back and forth a few times. I listened to her rather than to me and fell out of the pose. I spent the next 6 months spending time at the chiropractor rather than in yoga class. I'll bet you have had some similar experiences. Today when I go to a yoga class, I ensure I am working with an instructor who knows my physical limitations and is open to partnering with me within the class about what I see is best for me.

I have a pattern, and this pattern may sound familiar to you as well, where I can easily give my power to a teacher or authority figure whom I see as “above” me.  I said “yes” so many times, so many times to these authority figures and each of those “yes” answers has cost me. In my heart, I have come to know that the hierarchy of above and below or better than, less than is not true. We are equal. I also believe that No is part of our deepest integrity and protects us from exploitation. No can be hard to receive but setting limits sets us free.

You can see here, I am not a master at saying “no,” though I am paying attention to developing the practice. Our primordial assertion of self against others begins when we are two years old. “No, No, No, I will not get in the car seat, leave the park or eat the veggies.” For the rest of our lives, we are challenged to find the clearest way to draw that line in the sand.

In April this year, I said “no” to my husband about joining him on our every other year trip to England to visit his family. It was frightening to take this stand yet I KNEW saying “no” would be the healthier choice on every level. It
would have been hard on my body and my spirit.

As a result of that courageous “no”, I feel closer to his family than ever before. We skyped and have been more in touch since then. I found out they mean more to me than I knew. It was only by not going, I discovered my real
connection with them. Another side benefit is that being away from my husband for a few weeks was wonderful. After I got over the initial “high” of having time on my own, I really missed him. I could see how much I value
our 30 year partnership. Since his return, we are on a honeymoon. That was one powerful “no.”

I often ask my students, who are self acknowledged people pleasers, to practice saying “no” once a day for a month. The purpose is to build their saying “no” muscle, which also makes all of their “yes's” much stronger and
truer. Sometimes they say “no” to me right then and we have to negotiate a more palatable plan.

That's all for today...

ALL HONOR TO YOU,

PATRICIA

Now, a little bubble of excitement shows up. I remembered a book by Mary O'Malley called “What's in the Way, Is the Way.” So, this visit with depression IS THE WAY TODAY.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE OF HOW TO USE THE INTERNAL BOARD OF DIRECTORS:

I'm starting with the state I'm in today so that I can give the voice of depression, expression.

“I'm bummed. I really don't want to get up. If my mind were quieter, I might lie here all day with the blankie over my head. It's a day off, so I could do that. I don't really know what's causing this particular depression. I don't really want to analyze it and I don't want to judge myself for being in it either. I'll just lie here awhile and sink into it, let it have me!”
 
It's time now to ask for guidance from my Internal Board of Directors which is made up of the powerful people, saints and dogs in my life. My board also includes The Great Mystery, The Great Unknown and The Great Spirit. These Holy Ones have oft offered me great wisdom and mercy throughout my life. A definition of Internal Board of Directors would be each of our own greatest resources. It consists of any aspect of the God of your personal understanding, any guides from this life or beyond, references to nature,etc., We are tapping into the sources that give us energy, replenish us and get us back in touch with our sweet old souls.

I take a few breaths in and out of my heart. I breathe in clarity and breathe out confusion. I wait for things to quiet down inside. Then I ask the question “which members of my board would like to offer something this morning on the topic of early morning, unexplained depression?”

The first to show up is Quan Yin, Goddess of Mercy. Quan Yin offers these words:

Next, Lord Ganesha, remover of obstacles arrives. He says “find a place in your heart for this morning's  Self soothing is the key today.”depression. You don't have to understand it, but please welcome it as your own. Remember YOU ARE NOT THIS DEPRESSION,
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HOLDS THE SPACE FOR EVERY STATE YOU ARE IN, ESSENCE ITSELF!”

CHRIST now enters the space. He says simply “you are my beloved daughter in whom I am well pleased.”

Now I notice that my paternal grandparents have something to contribute. They suggest I light a candle on the mantle where their picture resides. “Sink into a place inside where you KNOW we are here cradling you just as surely as we would be if we still had bodies. Patti, you are the child of our deepest heart.”

Next, Rumi arrives and suggests I use his poem “The Guest House” as a resource today. Specifically the line “This being human is a Guest House,  every morning a new arrival.” He tells me it will feed my soul.

The last member of the board to arrive is The Great Unknown. “Let it go,dear one. Just release your grip on it, and it will release its grip on you. Your board will carry it from here.”

I take a few moments to breathe in and out of the heart once again to see if anyone else wants to show up. When things remain quiet inside, it's time to go on with my day.

My inner perspective has shifted away from “today is a bummer” towards “this depression is a doorway to know and love myself more deeply.”

If you wanted to create your own Internal Board of Directors, you would go inside into the quiet and ask the question, “Who would like to be on my board?” You might ask the question “Who or what are my greatest resources?” You might keep asking over the next few days. Your board may be composed of one or two sources or it may be a crowd. The important part is that your board should resonate with your deepest self. You can also change your board members at will.

My wish is that this writing be of service to you, sweet readers.

THANK YOU FOR WITNESSING MY EARLY MORNING JOURNEY,

Patricia

At those times, parts of me would rather die than face the issues coming up in my psyche. I also KNOW I'm not alone here. Emotional and physical pain brings us to our knees. I fight it, stuff it down, try to ignore it and then, ultimately after what seems like a very long time, I surrender.

Surrender might look like “I'm going to be fearful, pissed off, ashamed, lethargic or grief stricken ENTIRELY, until I'm not.” This falling towards the feelings with a message of tenderness eases my inner picture. I see I can't control, or change or fix my feelings. This conversation could be something like, “Hello pain, I know you are part of me, welcome home. What is your message? What would you like me to know?” I could consider loving myself wholeheartedly while I am in the midst of pain.

Even though I try to avoid pain ferociously at times and I see that my students also do, I believe that pain of any kind is asking to be met, to be seen, to be treated tenderly. When I am kind to myself, while in pain, my awareness of my connection to the Divine strengthens. This pain actually becomes a kind of doorway to the Divine. I might still be ill, stuck in depression, or even in the midst of entering my dying process, but acceptance restores my connection with the Divine. My pain becomes part of God instead of something “other.”

Learning to make peace with pain is so much harder than fighting it. For example,our whole culture teaches we must “fight cancer”. Doctors say the patient can't die “on my watch”. We are a “death phobic” and then a “pain phobic” culture. Turning another direction, towards suffering, is brave. Just recently, I was visiting a sweet woman friend as she was having her hair cut since chemo would take her hair very soon anyway. She stated, “I'm not fighting cancer. I am meeting it.” She is one courageous lady.

Much of the time, I don't understand why pain comes or why a 'loving God' would allow for it. I have discovered that all of my pain, emotional or physical, does,ultimately, have meaning. Through my pain, I become more connected with everyone everywhere and my compassion deepens and blossoms. Sometimes this only happens in retrospect, sometimes I actually see the value in the moment.About two years ago, I had an unusual heart condition called Takotsubo. This is a Japanese word meaning broken heart syndrome. While going through the process of diagnosis and treatment, I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF. I was able to see clearly, as if for the first time, how many times in this lifetime my heart has been broken. And, I also see how I've used this frequent heartbreak to become broken open. Resting and recuperating gave me a whole new window on what really matters most to me in my life today. I'm so grateful for this perspective that truly supports me to live more in the moment. I really don't mind when my heart starts issuing the signal that it's time to do less and be more... (that's not always true – sometimes I
do mind because I am so utterly caught up in doing that I really don't want to stop.)

I've also learned that I didn't do anything wrong. It's an old, old story to consider that I did something to cause an illness. I don't really have a punishing God today.My God walks beside me through the whole ordeal. I remember a quote from Jesus which says “I walk beside you all the days of your life.” Often God shows up in the kindness of friends, in time alone in nature, in the animals that comfort me and in my husband's arms.

Kim Rosen, author of “Saved by a Poem” wrote a lovely poem called “In Impossible Darkness,” that captures the heart of this blog beautifully.

I pray that I, and we, can continue learning how to drop our judgments about pain and suffering so that our lives are full of self acceptance and acceptance of one another at the deepest level.

Thank you for listening,

Patricia