Dear Tender-hearted reader:

The first clear thought I had when I woke up this morning was “I am a Bride of Christ.”  The nuns in the Catholic School believed that they had a monopoly on their marriages to Christ.  How I knew this was because of their black skirts, white habits and dangling crucifixes.  They dressed the part.






The other reason I knew they were the Brides of Christ is because they told me so.  They said that they had been blessed with a vocation and had given up “carnal pleasures.”  For many years, I thought they said “caramel pleasures” so that didn't sound so good to me.  Caramel is one of my favorite flavors.  I particularly like caramelized green apples.

This other business about the nuns having a 'vocation' really made its impression on my young mind.  I loved reading about Joan of Arc, and the other female martyrs and I was always moved by the prospect of being burned at the stake or sleeping on nails or going to hang out in a leper colony.

The main thing I understood as a child was that you couldn't have a vocation unless you suffered and unless you didn't like boys.  Except you could like priests, in fact, you SHOULD like priests because priests are the only ones who have a direct connection with God.  You can only be a priest if you are a man.  So, as a nun, you have a better connection with God than everyday people, BUT you will never have the kind of connection a priest does.  Even as a child, a female child, this pissed me off!

I might also mention that it was a “sin” in parochial school to like yourself.  Modesty was a most coveted virtue.  I will spend the rest of my lifetime undoing that learning.  Another thing I learned as a good, little, catholic girl was that it's a shame to have a body because your body is a near occasion of sin.  An “impure thought' could send you straight to hell.  If you acted on your “impure thoughts” you not only went to hell – you couldn't be redeemed.  EVER!

To make a long story short, when I was 20 years old, I was at a Catholic Mass one day and the priest was lecturing on what a 'good catholic' did and didn't do.   I left in the middle of the sermon and I didn't go back.  The orientation of the sermon was monotheistic -  “there is only one true path – the holy catholic church.” Everyone else, without exception, goes to hell.

I walked out because I could not tolerate one more moment of right and wrong, good and bad, black and white.  Even then my beliefs leaned  towards a non-dualistic way of thinking.  I believe that every human being has the birthright to make their own choices before a God of their own personal understanding.

I'd rather take the risk of being a black sheep, a lost soul or a lapsed catholic than never have the chance to develop my own relationship with a God of my own understanding with whom I have direct access.  I consider myself a priestess of the Great Mystery – I don't need a conduit between me and God, I can access God directly!  God is already living in the wellspring of my being and in your being as well.

This story is about freeing myself from dogma and opening to the light of my own Spirit and passing it on to you!  This story is not about bad mouthing the catholic church.  The story represents my own spiritual evolution and I respect and honor my readers' points of view.

Soul-to-soul,
Patricia

Starting from the premise that NO ONE GETS TO BE WRONG(boundary I learned in my life coaching training) and then realizing that my mom and dad never did anything to me, not one thing, is very healing.  Their lives were not even about me and my life is not about them.  They were willing to bring me in.  My dad planted the seed in my mom that became me.  I am so grateful to both of them for bringing me into this lifetime.

I’m 66 now and for so many years, decades even, I blamed my dad for dying young in an  industrial accident and my mom for losing herself so completely in his death and, therefore, dropping my hand.  This sad and somewhat dramatic story has followed me into many years of therapy and personal growth trainings all around the US and Canada (and I’m so grateful I have had the resources to do that therapy and that it worked…).  It really had to be “ALL ABOUT ME” until I had enough of me present as an adult, to really integrate so many parts of this old story.

My idea of how we “let go” of an old story is NOT that this story, this profound piece of personal history, is erased.  I think we let go by integrating our stories.   Enough layers have been processed, felt deeply and released that now I have an entirely new perspective.   I have internal parents that are healthy and available most of the time.

Here, in my sweet, deep heart, my parents live in innocence and gratitude today – the same way I live in their hearts.  I am free to really love them.  THEY ARE THE “GOOD ENOUGH” PARENTS OF A “GOOD ENOUGH” DAUGHTER.

They are often accessible to me, sitting right beside me even now.  They don’t have bodies but they show up as wonderful invisible presences whenever I think of them.  They love that I am writing this article in their names.  They say “it’s about time, Patti.”

This place of peace is not a constant place – an old memory of my sense of abandonment by mom and dad might grip me and send me to my knees at any moment.  It is, though, that I know I will continue to return to this no blame/no shame place; a place of loving how it was with them in the past and now and deep within me.  

When I consider my parents as their own people and remember what their lives were like before me, my compassion soars.  I also know that they are the only parents that I'll ever have even though they have passed on.  When I was about 40, it occurred to me that “I'm a grown up and it's up to me to undo whatever issues still reside in me from my parental background.”

I can no longer think “my mother was one of the most controlling women on earth” without noticing that I am her daughter and that fear and control has been and sometimes still is, a dominant force in my life.

I can no longer think “my dad abandoned me by dying” without looking at the myriad of ways I abandon myself and others or without seeing that his death was really not about me; it was his destiny and it was between him and his own Source.

Of course, my parents truly impacted my life, challenged me and in some ways, even broke me.  Still, coming to terms with this is a central part of my stepping into spiritual and emotional maturity, as it is for all of us.  They did not cause my pain; they pushed some buttons already living inside me since I arrived here on earth.  They were the vehicle through which my healing happened.

Deeper down, this is all about my relationship with the God of My Understanding.

Does God abandon me, ever?  Does God drop my hand when my world gets really messy OR is it me that drops God’s hand?  Am I willing to truly trust God’s will for me OR am I fearful and controlling, always wanting to run the show?  I wish the answer to this question was I ALWAYS TRUST GOD'S WILL over my own will.  However, my capacity to align my will with God's is growing yet remains imperfect.  At any moment, I want to grab that wheel back.

The gift of my recovery has shown me that my Dad’s physical death and absence from my life and my mom’s precarious emotional balance had a powerful impact on me.  It brought me “home” and still does.  I HAD to reach out, beyond the context of family into the void and to God.  How lucky is that?  I’m pretty sure I would not be nearly as intuitive or compassionate without my own story and my suffering.  David Whyte, the great Irish poet, suggested that when you meet someone who is really a deep and beautiful soul, ask them about how they’ve suffered.  I'll close with one of his poems.

Enough
By David Whyte
“Where Many Rivers Meet”

Enough.  These few words are enough.
If not these words, this breath.
If not this breath, this sitting here.
This opening to the life
We have refused
Again and again
Until now.
   Until now…

Dog
You are so noble,
Until the bitter end,
Your medicine is the teaching,
Of true and loyal friends. 

Dog has been considered the servant of humanity throughout history.  If a person carries dog medicine, he or she is usually serving humanity in some way.  I think dogs teach us to move into service; that has certainly been true for me.

Today, in just a few hours we are experimenting with a new dog.  A breeder from High Desert Laboradors in Texas is giving us a chance to try out her dog.  The dog's name is Sky.  She is two years old, beautiful white coat and deep chocolate brown eyes.  Sky is described as having a sweet temperament and she knows her basic commands.  

The reason Sky is coming on “trial” and not for good is because I don't want to repeat my experience with Rosie.  It was too hard to have a dog that needed so much from me and who had little capacity to give back yet I loved her and I considered her my teacher.  She helped me accept my own neediness, my own inability to let go into the love.

Sky will  be here for 10 days.  She also has degenerative hip disease which is osteo-arthritis.  Both Grace and Joli had to have all 4 knees replaced though they were older when the disease showed up.  Sky's hip issues may or may not intensify sooner rather than later.  This isn't a deal breaker though.  If she has the qualities of an emotional support service dog, we would be happy to help care for her body.

Her owner and I agree, if we are the “right match” and can partner well, then this will be a “go.”  If not, Sky is already dearly and deeply loved and she'll have an experience with us much like when kids go to camp.  She'll return home after a great vacation with new friends. 

In the twelve- step model, which is part of my own spiritual path, the second step states, “We came to believe that there is a power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity.”  I have translated that step to be, “I came to believe that there is a power much vaster than I and also living deep within the wellspring of my being, who can restore me to wholeness.”  Sky will help me to further embody that step.  Her vastness as “Sky”, if she is “the one”, will bring calm and stillness into my heart.

I WISH THAT YOUR DOG OR CAT OR CHILD OR PARENT IS ALSO A MANIFESTATION OF GOD FOR YOU,

PATRICIA

P.S.  It turned out Sky was not “the one”.  It was a wonderful experiment though.  I learned I am no longer able to handle a big, active dog with a tremendous amount of energy.  Sky went to a family near here with 3 younger kids...