MARRYING MYSELF

Dear Tender-hearted reader:

Back in the day, Fall 1988, I decided to “go steady” with myself to see if I could become a more constant friend to me.  Then, in January – 1989, I became engaged to be married.

I chose a opalescent stone on a silver band.  I took myself out to a fabulous restaurant with real silver, pristine white linen napkins, a single red rose, and dancing candlelights.  I asked the violinist to serenade me.  I did not check the prices on the menu and I ordered a simple yet delicious meal.  Over dinner I had some intimate conversations with myself in my new leather journal.  I rocked myself as I went to sleep that night.  

What being engaged to myself meant to me back then was that I would have a deeper connection with myself.  I would face my many inner conflicts honestly, proving I could hang in there with myself.  If I happened to abandon myself, I would notice as soon as possible, and forgive myself for walking away when I most needed my own love.

I would return to my inner home, again and again and again.

Come, Come, Whoever You Are
By J. Rumi

Come, come, whoever you are
Wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
It doesn’t matter
Ours is not a caravan of despair
Come, even if you have broken your vow a thousand times
Come, yet again, come, come…

My wedding took place in May, 1989 in our tiny backyard rose garden.

I was surrounded by my husband and a few very close friends.  I wore a simple sage green a-line dress with tiny white polka dots.  I was barefoot in the grass.  I was radiant.

When I looked in the antique mirror, I said relatively traditional vows.

 Patricia & Patti(my inner child), I will love you, in richer and in poorer, in good times and in bad, in sickness 
and in health, even death won't part us.

I knew the marriage ceremony was an outward expression of what was already happening inside me.  That inner marriage was a turning point both in my emotional maturity and in my spiritual life.  I began the process of looking inside for things that I expected I should get from a partner.

By then I had experienced two short-term, very disappointing marriages to men.  They were great learning experiences, though how could I get from them what did not already reside in me?

I thought they should meet all my needs, and be father figures who filled the hole left by the early death of my father.  They should offer me constant, unconditional love (like God).  They should want me, lust after me and pine for me if I wasn't there.

WOW – WHAT A SET-UP!  How could these men possibly fill this tall bill?  They didn't and they couldn't.  These deep holes were “my holes” and my personal inner work.

My inner connection and my connection with the God of my Understanding is my true marriage.  My 3rd marriage to my life partner, also extending all these many years, is the icing on the cake.  NO CAKE – NO ICING!

Beginning in 1990, I taught a training called Leading from the Heart.  After the lst year of deep inner work, each student graduated by creating their own inner marriage and celebration.

Perhaps marrying myself was a radical concept OR perhaps this inner marriage is what is missing for many, many folks.

Sweet reader, perhaps you could pause for a moment now and light a candle in your own name.  Maybe you are ready to go steady with you.  Maybe you are ready for inner engagement or marriage.  Wherever you are on your path, this blog is a call for homecoming!

Happy Valentine's Day,
Patricia