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5 Practical Steps For Aging Gracefully

8/14/2015

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Picture
Credit: Carolyn Lake
African Proverb, “When an older person dies, it's as if a library burns to the ground...”


Dear sweet reader:

Being a 66 year old woman married to a 78 year old man has encouraged my  interest in exploring the aging process more deeply.  I don't want to have an 'old world' context about getting older. “Old world aging process” means an unexamined aging process.  It means living from fear or from the wider cultural perspective that aging is a shame or a dread.  I want to see what's possible for me and within my marriage.  

I don't want to have a black/white idea about retirement.  “I've worked all my life to save my money so that I can retire and do ???”  There are parts of my work I have left behind (retired) and parts of my work I adore and see no end in sight.  I choose to create my own way of aging, letting go, taking care of my physical body and moving through the world from a position of fulfillment rather than resignation.  This attitude is not a piece of cake.  I work on it every single day and I don't have a 'perfect' record.  I do, though, continue to find my way back to a place of resiliency and kindness around aging.

Two primary qualities that support aging with grace:

I've noticed over this ten year span,  two qualities that have made my own aging process easier – a deeper level of self compassion and a more mature kind of wisdom.

Growing a more profound level of self compassion has saved my bacon more times than I can say.  Finding ways to be kind as I stumble around this world with more aches and pains, more health challenges and more fears and worries has been a challenge.  Yet, finding room in my own heart for this older, sometimes struggling body and the fears that accompany mortality has been an essential part of my spiritual path.

The practice of developing more self compassion for me includes using Ho o pono pono, the ancient Hawaiian Shamanistic Practice.   The translation for these words is simply to say to ourselves many times each day -  “Hey sweetheart, I'm so sorry for ….  and I love you and thank you for bringing this to my attention for transformation and healing.”  It is NOT ABOUT forgiving others but is rather about forgiving what we see in others that already lives in us.  Joe Vitale in the book, Zero Limits is a good resource if you want to learn more about this concept of self forgiveness.  

In a future blog, I'll be sharing about a system of self management called reparenting.  In my book called, Becoming a Love Dog, there is a chapter called “The Car Diagram,” which is a step-by-step way of growing self compassion. Both books are available on Amazon.com.

When we age without a capacity to learn and grow – we just get older.  When we age with consciousness, we become elders.

The ways I deepen my own wisdom include having a daily meditation practice, studying the works of spiritual teachers and mentors I enjoy, and developing a profound resource system that supports me on every level.

I just spoke with a client from Arizona and she was sharing how she had gotten cataract surgery and it was giving her a whole new lease on life.  Rather than continuing to think her body is like an old car that is always falling apart and needing repair – the eye surgery opened up her vision and gave her hope – she said “some things get better as we age.”  She also shared that she had gone to Sounds True and ordered an adult coloring book.  She chose a coloring book that has Goddesses and other Deities in it.   She is growing her wisdom as she ages by keeping her creativity going.

About ten years ago, I wrote a paper on Conscious Aging that I shared in various venues.  It was called “The Fifteen Proficiencies of Conscious Aging.”  I'll close this blog with the five of those proficiencies that fit with this article.


  1. Learn to shift your thinking from the old paradigm (old age is a disease, where we are decrepit, powerless and useless) to a new paradigm which is to consider old age a triumph – where we ripen to it, surrender to it, even make peace with it and in some cases, even enjoy getting older.
  2. Actively research well known cultural icons of conscious aging.  Use their life stories to fuel and positively project their energy into your own aging process. (examples include:  Einstein, Margaret Mead, Maggie Kuhn, Monet, Jimmy Carter, Gloria Steinem, etc.)
  3. Take a stand for ending isolation by creating a support network larger than your own immediate friends and family.  Get a black-belt in customizing a support system.  In New Mexico, there is an organization called “Conscious Aging New Mexico” that has many wonderful offerings.
  4. Consider shifting your thinking from being frightened of change to a process of learning to welcome change.  I'm not saying change isn't scarey, but to feel the fear and move forward anyway.  Remember that our souls are larger than our personalities and they are eternal.  Take steps to shift our constantly reinforced phobia of aging and dying so that you can have faith in the process of life that includes dying.
  5. Live for simple things.  Bernie Seigel shares that most all terminally ill patients say they want to go on living because of simple things like getting a back rub or eating a piece of apple pie or seeing their grandchild one more time.  What simple things matter most to you?

Thanks for listening,

Patricia
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Friendship As One Of Life's Greatest Treasures

8/7/2015

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Picture
Credit: Carolyn Lake
Dear Sweet Listeners,


We're just about to head off on vacation with our dearest couple friends whom we have known over the course of 35 years.  Three of us met in the “Living Love Community” back it in the late 70's, early 80's.  We lived together and were part of a teaching team based on the “Handbook to Higher Consciousness” by Ken Keyes. We all made bonds there which would last a lifetime.  What we had and still have in common is an avid interest in the spiritual path.  I met my husband a few years later and he had been a leader in the “Good Enough Community” out of Seattle. 
We have been supporting one another and our marriages on a weekly basis for the past twenty years in Santa Fe, New Mexico.  Together we wrote an e-book called “Diving into the Heart of Friendship” by Santa Fe Couples group. You can request that CD if you like by going to www.leadingfromthehearts.com.

David Whyte, among my favorite poets and authors, wrote this piece on friendship, which I hope you will enjoy... David's words clarified how I feel about my soul friends, Amba, Chittak and David...

David Whyte's offering on the topic of Friendship:

Friendship is a mirror to presence and a testament to forgiveness. Friendship not only helps us see ourselves through another’s eyes, but can be sustained over the years only with someone who has repeatedly forgiven us for our trespasses as we must find it in ourselves to forgive them in turn. A friend knows our difficulties and shadows and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our triumphs, when we are under the strange illusion we do not need them. An undercurrent of real friendship is a blessing exactly because its elemental form is rediscovered again and again through understanding and mercy. All friendships of any length are based on a continued, mutual forgiveness. Without tolerance and mercy all friendships die.

In the course of the years a close friendship will always reveal the shadow in the other as much as ourselves, to remain friends we must know the other and their difficulties and even their sins and encourage the best in them, not through critique but through addressing the better part of them, the leading creative edge of their incarnation, thus subtly discouraging what makes them smaller, less generous, less of themselves. Through the eyes of a real friendship an individual is larger than their everyday actions, and through the eyes of another we receive a greater sense of a self we can aspire to, the one in whom they have most faith. Friendship is a moving frontier of understanding, not only of self and other but of a possible and as yet un-lived future.

Friendship is the great hidden transmuter of all relationships: it can transform a troubled marriage, make honorable a professional rivalry, make sense of heartbreak and unrequited love and become the newly discovered ground for a mature parent-child relationship.

The dynamic of friendship is almost always underestimated as a constant force in human life: a diminishing circle of friends is the first terrible diagnostic of a life in trouble: of overwork, of too much emphasis on a professional identity, of forgetting who will be there when our armored personalities run into the inevitable natural disasters and vulnerabilities found in even the most average existence.

Through the eyes of a friend, we especially learn to remain at least a little interesting to others. When we flatten our personalities and lose our sense of curiosity, friendship loses spirit and animation; boredom is the second great killer of friendship. Through the natural surprises of relationship, we recognize the greater surprising circles of which we are a part and eventually find a wider sense of revelation independent of human relationship: to learn to be friends with the earth and the sky, with the horizon and with the seasons, even with the disappearances of winter and in that faithfulness, eventually take the difficult path of becoming a good friend to our own going.

Friendship transcends disappearance: an enduring friendship goes on after death, the exchange only transmuted by absence, the relationship advancing and maturing in a silent internal conversational way even if one half of the bond has passed on.

But no matter the medicinal virtues of being a true friend or sustaining a long close relationship with another, the ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self, the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however brief a span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.

Written in one sitting at my writing desk, looking out over the clear blue sea of the Puget Sound on an equally clear September morning. I had woken in the night, courtesy of just having returned from Europe, having dreamed a long conversation with a dead friend; we were laughing and joking, poking fun at one another’s faults and foibles while enjoying our entrance, traveling in the back of a Limo, across a magnificent bridge into a great city. The physical essence of the dream was exactly the same essence I had felt with him while he had been alive and yet the dream felt as if it also marked a new stage in our relationship. In the dream I felt fully alive, privileged, blessed by friendship, up to our usual mischief and sure we would find it all surprising, insightful and hilarious, with good food and drink, conversation and conviviality along the way.

David Whyte's soul inspiring work can be viewed at:  www.davidwhyte.com

All honor to you, Patricia
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5 Steps On The Path Of Birthing A Dream

7/31/2015

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Picture
Credit: Carolyn Lake
These are the steps I use in my own process and when supporting students to create their fondest dreams. Please take what you like and leave the rest!

STEPS ON THE PATH OF BIRTHING A DREAM:

The first step is to make sure I (& you) have the spiritual resources. I already have a close tribe and a supportive husband. I have a spiritual director and lots of support from my 12 step participation. I have two collaborative coaches.

What matters, though, is who is on your team?


Step Two
is now that I've named this dream, it's time to claim the dream. This is where making a practical plan is essential. It's important to be sure I have the financial, time and energy resources to pull it off.

What is your practical position?


Step Three is to make sure I have the technical/business support I need. These resources include a new web master, social media expert, editor, photographer and a protege'. Who are the members of your business team? How will you create whatever resources you need?


Step Four is to bring together the resources from a lifetime of working in this field. I get to answer the question “what makes me think I can pull this off?” I have a track record of spiritually amazing and financially prosperous businesses in Seattle, Denver and Santa Fe. It doesn't matter, by the way, if this is a new field for you – what does matter is that you look into your experience and see what has already been working in your life and career.


Step Five is to go for it – as the hokey pokey says “to put my whole self in!”

Then, my favorite part – LET IT GO! Surrendering the dream to your own idea of God, is essential. It's time to remember that we are not isolated beings “making things happen”, but rather we are part of a sweet connection with the mystery at the heart of the world. Let the mystery take it from here.


These same steps can be taken for a personal goal. I have worked with students who have used this system to find a husband, move to France, create a new style of parenting, build financial reserves and increase the aspect of play and pleasure in their lives.

Wow, this was fun – I'm looking forward to more sweet connections with you and hope you find something that touches your heart here! Since I intend to offer my first virtual retreat in Fall, if you have suggestions or feedback, that would be so helpful.


All Honor to You,

Patricia

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Anything can be an access point for spiritual connection - A cat named mitch

7/24/2015

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Mitch The Cat
Dear Sweet Readers,

After our last dog, Rosie the yellow lab, died a few years ago, a cat named Mitch leaped into my lap as I was sitting on our log grieving. I remember thinking “is this cat bringing me a message from Rosie?” “Where did this cat come from?” He has tags so he must belong to someone.

About a week later, I found out he's the neighborhood's cat. Apparently the neighbors down the end of the block don't want Mitch. The neighbors relative left the cat when he moved away, and they just didn't have the heart to put him down
It seems another neighbor adores Mitch but can't give him a home because her own cats would freak out. She feeds Mitch and allows him to sleep in her garage at night. The first neighbors do get their gloves on and manage to get Mitch to the vet once a year for shots and they pick up the tab.

Mitch is a Maine Coon cat and he walks around the hood like a lion. He has one green eye, the other blue. Once a year, when my relatives, Jeannie and Lori, come to visit, they seem to have the knack for getting all his matting and
burrs out. Mitch has incredible boundaries. We can scratch him on the head or the ears. We can stroke his spine. If we come near his belly, even though he's always lying on the bed belly up, like an invitation – he'll attack. If he doesn't want to go outside when we think it's time for him to go, he plants himself deep into the chair and he hisses and gives very dirty looks as we head him out the door. We have to use a walking stick to nudge him out. He likes to rub against our legs but this is NOT an invitation to lean down and pet him unless you want a few scratches.

For some time, I didn't want much to do with Mitch. I didn't want to get too attached and then end up with all the responsibility for Mitch. I protected my heart around Mitch. I also insisted that my husband make sure he didn't get too close either though this wasn't particularly successful.

Over time, I've come to see that the time-sharing of Mitch is just right for us.  I like the feel of the neighborhood coming together for Mitch's sake. I've learned Mitch's ways and I don't get scratched very often. I appreciate and respect his boundaries. He knows that if every now and then, I inadvertently pet him in a place that he considers undesirable, and then he bites me, I will immediately toss him out. He seems to respect my “no biting” boundary as well. I am comforted when he comes inside in winter for the warmth.

When any of the 3 of my dogs died, there was quite a period where I felt I had also died. At least the part of me that so loved that dog, died. I still do mourn each of them, especially Grace, my beloved white golden retriever. This sweet grief is an acknowledgement of my love for them and it's okay with me if it stays with me this whole lifetime. This poem exemplifies my relationship with the dogs of my life.

“It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with  them. And every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.” ~Anonymous

Mitch role-models the more independent lifestyle my husband and I currently favor. He travels around and comes and goes as he likes and so do we. Both David and I are also more clear about the things we say “yes” to and the things we say “no” to. While we haven't bitten or scratched anyone “yet”, the “no's” can become quite feisty when needed.

When I see he's had another cat fight, I worry just a little. I've grown fond of Mitch but somehow I've managed to 'detach with love.' He's been a good teacher. By the way, it's not that I don't expect to mourn Mitch if his time of moving on in this world precedes mine, it's that he isn't a constant companion and he hasn't taken over my heart the way the dogs did. I'll be able to tolerate the loss more easily and my grief will be shared with the neighbors. I expect it'll be a simpler kind of grief. Mitch never became “my” cat and I am not his “person.” We both chose a more spacious relationship with plenty of room to come and go. And, if it turns out that my heart breaks when Mitch dies, that's okay, too.

Hey Mitch, thanks for being my teacher. I bow towards you and I love you. Perhaps he did have a message for me when Rosie died.

Thanks for listening,

Patricia
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We Don't Always Get What We Want But We Do Get What We Need

7/17/2015

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Picture
Credit: Carolyn Lake
Dear Kind Reader:

Often the only time I KNOW that a difficult experience is the 'right' one for me is in retrospect. While I am in either physical or emotional pain, a big part of that experience is my asking, even begging, to have the pain go away. Yet, in  the larger picture and as I look back over my life – I do see that those truly painful times woke me up, made me softer and kinder and truer and deeper.They are what make me so able to BE WITH others in their suffering. They
were what I needed and certainly not what I wanted.
I'm just pausing now to consider how I (and I know I'm not alone here), have such great difficulty slowing down. I was talking with my massage therapist the other day about how I have what I would call a “race horse head”. He knew exactly what I meant - way off in the future, hurrying on down the track. When I look around me, I notice there are countless other race horses right beside me.

If I have some kind of physical or health issue, though, it always, always gets my attention. Often, a health issue is the ONLY way I slow down. The last few days, my stomach has been kind of nauseous. The queasy feeling is really
zapping my energy. So, I'm resting off and on these days and just getting done what comes easily. My stomach ache is giving me what I need. It would be lovely if I slowed down without a health issue or an emotional issue, and on occasion that does happen, for now though, I am grateful for the stomach ache.

There have been many times in my life and career where I have taken long term sabbaticals. (3 months, 6 months, 3 years). I didn't plan for these and I surely did not WANT to be off for such extended periods of time. The thing was, I could not keep going. I had absolutely no mojo for working with people. I didn't think I would EVER return to my life as a helping professional.”

Great Mystery knew what I needed each time. I needed to rest, writepoems, paint ceramics, read and read and read. I started making soup and enjoying running the vacuum cleaner. I tried to force the outcome though.There were times I demanded that Great Spirit let me go back to work NOW.  After a while, I would surrender once again. I would just let myself be “off” for the duration. I even got to the place of being willing to be “off” for the rest of my life if that was what was best for my soul.

I began to trust that there might be a bigger picture than the one I was looking at. Maybe there was value in the ebb time. Perhaps a great letting go and reshaping of my life was taking place, almost without my knowledge.

When I actually did return to work, I KNEW it was TIME. I could feel a new sense of resiliency and resourcefulness within me. Giving myself what I really needed, had opened the doors of my heart in surprising ways.

When I returned to work, my private practice was full within two months. I had good boundaries. I was able to open my heart as well as protect my heart. I let go of working in particularly difficult situations with unwilling clients. I let go of a kind of hierarchical way of working with people. I just wanted to be equal, offer my skills without ending up on anybody's pedestal.  I learned that being on a pedestal is a setup for getting blasted. The gifts that I was using before to work with people had somehow broadened and deepened. My work life became way more balanced and I treasured my personal relationships and time in a way that was not available to me prior to these sabbaticals. While depression was also part of my experience while being without work, this, too, made me more vulnerable and open to
intimacy.

Where this thought that we don't always get what we want, but do get what we need becomes crystal clear for me, is in the times when I have had the privilege to be with the very ill and the dying. So many folks say that their “cancer” turned out to be their greatest gift. It woke them up. Cancer lifted the veil between them and others. They found themselves truly living in the moment. People-pleasing moved to the background and they found themselves being their most authentic selves. Their compassion for everyone else quadrupled. No one wanted to get cancer, yet getting cancer, on some level, was what their souls needed.

I believe that what we truly long for is a close connection with Life itself. I think we really want to show up for what Life is offering in this moment, even if it doesn't look like what we had in mind. In our sweet, old souls we know that what we really need for our healing may look very different than what our MINDS say.

Way deep down, past the noisy rumbling of the mind, lives a sense of well-being no matter what's happening in our lives. I don't always experience that sweet center, but when I visit that sacred place, I remember and I vow to do the inner work necessary to return to this deep sanctuary.

I'm suggesting that we consider TRUSTING that we are getting what we really NEED to do our soul work in every moment. Our old issues reside in the unconscious until we are triggered – until someone or something pushes a
button. Once the buttons are pushed, we have a chance to integrate another piece of unresolved material. That integration makes us more whole, more present and more aware of Life itself.

It's a lovely thing when what we want and what our souls need are one.

Thanks for listening,

Patricia
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A LITTLE BRUSH WITH MORTALITY

7/9/2015

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Picture
Credit: Carolyn Lake
Beloved Reader,

Last Friday while in the midst of attending an on-line spiritual retreat, my heart started beating irregularly, I felt hot and sweaty then cool off and on for a few hours. Every time I got up, I felt dizzy. I noticed a huge black bruise the size of a baseball on my arm. I know I'm bruising easily because of the blood thinners.

So, I went over to the cardiologist's office, and he happened to be in so he did an EKG on the spot. The EKG showed some irregular beats but I was not in trial fibrillation. He assessed that my heart meds were off and asked me to  return next day for tests.
Meanwhile, back at the retreat, I had time to reflect about how this “heart episode” was landing within. The first layer was my fearful reaction. “I could be gone in an instant.” “I'm not safe here.” “This body is breaking down.” “I'm doomed.” Along with the fearful thoughts came an increase in body tension. I wanted to put the blankie over my head and give up on life. (I did actually take some time to allow for that).

I know this may seem a little dramatic, but it is how my mind works. The purpose in sharing this personal information is that I want to give you, the reader, permission to witness your mind when it is in upset. This is our human condition, it's just part of us and wants to be seen and welcomed. Since it is happening while I am on retreat, I can assume it's for my benefit.

The second layer, for me, is shame. The thought that I did something “wrong” to cause the heart episodes and if I did it “right” then I wouldn't have heart trouble. These self blaming thoughts give me the illusion that I have
control, which I really don't. I have good health, I exercise 5-6 days a week,blood pressure and cholesterol are low, I'm a normal weight... The things I can do, I am doing. This shame layer is like a tsunami, a familiar storm, I have experienced thousands of times in this life. It feels so real, so true and for awhile it becomes my entire reference point, my identity. “Hi, I'm Patricia,and I have a heart condition!” You may be familiar with this place on your own path where your story dominates everything else for a time. The story starts feeling like as obsession.

This is not a linear process. Fear and shame circle around and fall into each other over and over and over again. And, just because I may be able to integrate this particular heart event, does not mean that I won't experience many more processes as I learn to take care of myself with a heart condition.

Layer three unfolds as I begin to “get curious”. I start asking questions like “what is this all about right now?” “Is my heart sending a message?” “What if I were truly kind to myself right in the midst of all of it, the heart weakness itself, the fear, the shame – the entire humanity of what's occurring right now? What if I let my heart break, let the feelings flow, and let the judgments float on by, like tiny birds? If a member of my tribe were in exactly this position, how would I love them? The answer is “without hesitation, completely.” What if I don't have to do this alone and I can call on
the Holy Ones for help? What if I don't have to hurry through this episode and its aftermath? Along with curiosity, compassion returns and deepens.I befriend myself and my illness.

Now I notice I am most definitely dying(as we each are), whether my time is sooner or later. I can see how this little brush with mortality is a gift. It brings me to my knees. On my knees, I reach for guidance, help, comfort. Any truly challenging emotional or physical issue teaches me to become way more resourceful. I've heard said that the two simplest and most powerful prayers are “help” and “thank you.”

It's about 24 hours later (though it could be weeks or even months) when I remember that while my body is dying, my soul is eternal. My sweet old soul is actually watching the body have its heart issues and its reactions and encourages me to notice yet go on living and loving.

I believe that mortality is an impetus for spiritual connectedness, a call for coming home!  I see now that the heart episode, the fear and the shame and even the control issues, are a part of God. Even though I don't always believe this or know it for sure, the thought that all things are part of God, that nothing, absolutely nothing is amiss, makes me feel so much more whole.

I love this short poem by Rabindranath Tagore...

And because I love this life, I know I shall love death as well. The child cries out when from the right breast the mother takes it away to find in the very next moment its consolation in the left one.

Thanks you for listening sweet reader,

Patricia

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In Honor of the beloved (the God of my personal understanding)

7/3/2015

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Picture
Credit: Carolyn Lake
Dear Sweet Listeners,

I wrote the poem below, “In Honor of the Beloved”, about two years ago.  I remember waking up at 3:30 am and the poem just spilled out as if it had been waiting forever for me to pick up the pen.  When I re-read it again now, it touches my heart.  It's as if someone very dear to me wrote it, and it feels like a very old friend.  It's surprising that I'm actually the poet and I'm also deeply receiving the message of the poem.

Everything in the poem happened on one very ordinary day.  I love how the poem steps away from “duality” thinking and embraces all of daily life as a part of God.

In Honor of the Beloved

When the first fear awakened me this morning
and I welcomed it, and then it turned
a turquoise blue color, You were there…
And then I thought about how You are with me
all day and throughout the night.

You are there when I give the birds
fresh food and water…
And, You are there when I put the
purple down quilt in the dryer so
that I can warm it up and wrap it around myself
for my morning meditation.
Just before I enter the silence, I notice You staring
back at me in the orange, red and mauve corrugated tulips…

You are there when I play ball toss with our yellow lab...
You dine with me whether I gobble my food down or
chew it slowly….
When I say grace, I’m having a conversation with You,
The Beloved of my Heart.

When I head off to work and almost get a traffic ticket
for changing lanes and the cop is loud and defensive
And I am kind and then I get a warning instead,
you are there.
Next day when my car won’t start, it’s my neighbor
who takes me to work, You again…

When I sit with clients here in Santa Fe or conference
call with them from Alaska, California, Boston, Arizona,
Salt Lake City or the Ukraine,
You sit with us and I am Your hollow flute and You are my voice…

When my dear friend takes me to the doctor to cushion potential bad
news and then later she brings her jumper cables over to
start my VW Bug, that’s You in disguise.
When I send in my donation to co-foster the 2 year old orphaned
elephant in Africa named Olare’, it’s You providing the funds.

And, when I go to sleep tonight, it’ll be You tucking me in
and reminding me that we are having another sleepover…
And I remind myself, the thing is that You are also THERE,
TRULY THERE ---
when I get the ticket, the battery is dead, the funds are not there
and if the diagnosis were terrible.  You see me through and You are
the name of my TRUEST RESILIENCY…

Thanks for listening,
The poem is my gift to you this week!

I love you, Patricia
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The Power of Saying No

6/26/2015

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Picture
Credit: Carolyn Lake
Dear Sweet Listeners,

I remember my first coach, Isabel Parlett of Sound Bite Shaman, taught me that it's just as important which clients or experiences I say “no” to as those to whom I say “yes.” A client who is not a true match for me can take up 3 –5 times more time than a client who makes me feel like dancing when they phone in. If it's not the right match, an internal struggle ensues when I work with them. Letting them go in an honorable way, makes space in me and in my practice. The client is free to find their own best match.
 No says “this is who I am, this is what I value, this is what I will and will not do.” We are always, in the core of our beings, distinct and separate selves.  We need our own No to support that space inside. If we don't know who we are, in and of ourselves, we can't be truly connected with others.

In my personal life, saying “no” has been more of a challenge. I'm going to offer a few examples.

Back in the early 80's, I was in a yoga class and we were doing hand stands.I didn't think I had the forearm strength to hold the posture so I asked the teacher for an easier version. The teacher insisted “it's just a fear block, just resistance, do the posture, and you'll find you do have the strength.” We went back and forth a few times. I listened to her rather than to me and fell out of the pose. I spent the next 6 months spending time at the chiropractor rather than in yoga class. I'll bet you have had some similar experiences. Today when I go to a yoga class, I ensure I am working with an instructor who knows my physical limitations and is open to partnering with me within the class about what I see is best for me.

I have a pattern, and this pattern may sound familiar to you as well, where I can easily give my power to a teacher or authority figure whom I see as “above” me.  I said “yes” so many times, so many times to these authority figures and each of those “yes” answers has cost me. In my heart, I have come to know that the hierarchy of above and below or better than, less than is not true. We are equal. I also believe that No is part of our deepest integrity and protects us from exploitation. No can be hard to receive but setting limits sets us free.

You can see here, I am not a master at saying “no,” though I am paying attention to developing the practice. Our primordial assertion of self against others begins when we are two years old. “No, No, No, I will not get in the car seat, leave the park or eat the veggies.” For the rest of our lives, we are challenged to find the clearest way to draw that line in the sand.

In April this year, I said “no” to my husband about joining him on our every other year trip to England to visit his family. It was frightening to take this stand yet I KNEW saying “no” would be the healthier choice on every level. It
would have been hard on my body and my spirit.

As a result of that courageous “no”, I feel closer to his family than ever before. We skyped and have been more in touch since then. I found out they mean more to me than I knew. It was only by not going, I discovered my real
connection with them. Another side benefit is that being away from my husband for a few weeks was wonderful. After I got over the initial “high” of having time on my own, I really missed him. I could see how much I value
our 30 year partnership. Since his return, we are on a honeymoon. That was one powerful “no.”

I often ask my students, who are self acknowledged people pleasers, to practice saying “no” once a day for a month. The purpose is to build their saying “no” muscle, which also makes all of their “yes's” much stronger and
truer. Sometimes they say “no” to me right then and we have to negotiate a more palatable plan.

Good times to say No:

When saying NO protects your essential values.

When you want to protect yourself from others use or abuse.

When you need the power of saying NO to change direction.

When you know that saying YES will carve a little slice out of you.

That's all for today...

ALL HONOR TO YOU,

PATRICIA
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Personal Resources in Times of Stress: Creating an Internal Board of Directors

6/19/2015

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Nature as a Primary Resource
Banff, British Columbia, Canada
Dear Sweet Readers,

Today was one of those days. You know the kind of day when you don't want to get out of bed, feel bummed, don't even know why. It's the kind of day that began with that old visitor, depression. It's gloomy both outside and
inside in Santa Fe today.

This is Saturday so it's my writing day and I was thinking, “I'm too bummed to write.” Then I thought since I promised to keep this blog “real” and to show up as my authentic self, maybe I could be present with this depression and with you, my reader. I might also consider sharing a resource called “The Internal Board of Directors” that might offer comfort and support to you.
Now, a little bubble of excitement shows up. I remembered a book by Mary O'Malley called “What's in the Way, Is the Way.” So, this visit with depression IS THE WAY TODAY.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE OF HOW TO USE THE INTERNAL BOARD OF DIRECTORS:

I'm starting with the state I'm in today so that I can give the voice of depression, expression.

“I'm bummed. I really don't want to get up. If my mind were quieter, I might lie here all day with the blankie over my head. It's a day off, so I could do that. I don't really know what's causing this particular depression. I don't really want to analyze it and I don't want to judge myself for being in it either. I'll just lie here awhile and sink into it, let it have me!”
 
It's time now to ask for guidance from my Internal Board of Directors which is made up of the powerful people, saints and dogs in my life. My board also includes The Great Mystery, The Great Unknown and The Great Spirit. These Holy Ones have oft offered me great wisdom and mercy throughout my life. A definition of Internal Board of Directors would be each of our own greatest resources. It consists of any aspect of the God of your personal understanding, any guides from this life or beyond, references to nature,etc., We are tapping into the sources that give us energy, replenish us and get us back in touch with our sweet old souls.

I take a few breaths in and out of my heart. I breathe in clarity and breathe out confusion. I wait for things to quiet down inside. Then I ask the question “which members of my board would like to offer something this morning on the topic of early morning, unexplained depression?”

The first to show up is Quan Yin, Goddess of Mercy. Quan Yin offers these words:
"Every moment of depression is an opportunity to deepen your self compassion. Self soothing is the key today.”
Next, Lord Ganesha, remover of obstacles arrives. He says “find a place in your heart for this morning's  Self soothing is the key today.”depression. You don't have to understand it, but please welcome it as your own. Remember YOU ARE NOT THIS DEPRESSION,
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HOLDS THE SPACE FOR EVERY STATE YOU ARE IN, ESSENCE ITSELF!”

CHRIST now enters the space. He says simply “you are my beloved daughter in whom I am well pleased.”

Now I notice that my paternal grandparents have something to contribute. They suggest I light a candle on the mantle where their picture resides. “Sink into a place inside where you KNOW we are here cradling you just as surely as we would be if we still had bodies. Patti, you are the child of our deepest heart.”

Next, Rumi arrives and suggests I use his poem “The Guest House” as a resource today. Specifically the line “This being human is a Guest House,  every morning a new arrival.” He tells me it will feed my soul.

The last member of the board to arrive is The Great Unknown. “Let it go,dear one. Just release your grip on it, and it will release its grip on you. Your board will carry it from here.”

I take a few moments to breathe in and out of the heart once again to see if anyone else wants to show up. When things remain quiet inside, it's time to go on with my day.

My inner perspective has shifted away from “today is a bummer” towards “this depression is a doorway to know and love myself more deeply.”

If you wanted to create your own Internal Board of Directors, you would go inside into the quiet and ask the question, “Who would like to be on my board?” You might ask the question “Who or what are my greatest resources?” You might keep asking over the next few days. Your board may be composed of one or two sources or it may be a crowd. The important part is that your board should resonate with your deepest self. You can also change your board members at will.

My wish is that this writing be of service to you, sweet readers.

THANK YOU FOR WITNESSING MY EARLY MORNING JOURNEY,

Patricia
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Using the Pain Inherent in Being Alive as a Doorway to the Divine

6/12/2015

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Credit: Carolyn Lake
NOTE: This is Part II in a series on The Dark Night of the Soul.

Dear Ones,

Whenever I've been in any kind of intense emotional or physical pain, I begin, after a time, to ask the questions, “Why me?”. “What did I do wrong?”, “Where the hell is God?”, “What is the meaning of suffering and why has it landed on my doorstep?”. I KNOW these are common questions for all of us when we experience great difficulty. There have been a few occasions in my life when pain has been so intense, that I've shouted out, “If you weren't already dead, I'd kill you God!...”
At those times, parts of me would rather die than face the issues coming up in my psyche. I also KNOW I'm not alone here. Emotional and physical pain brings us to our knees. I fight it, stuff it down, try to ignore it and then, ultimately after what seems like a very long time, I surrender.

Surrender might look like “I'm going to be fearful, pissed off, ashamed, lethargic or grief stricken ENTIRELY, until I'm not.” This falling towards the feelings with a message of tenderness eases my inner picture. I see I can't control, or change or fix my feelings. This conversation could be something like, “Hello pain, I know you are part of me, welcome home. What is your message? What would you like me to know?” I could consider loving myself wholeheartedly while I am in the midst of pain.

Even though I try to avoid pain ferociously at times and I see that my students also do, I believe that pain of any kind is asking to be met, to be seen, to be treated tenderly. When I am kind to myself, while in pain, my awareness of my connection to the Divine strengthens. This pain actually becomes a kind of doorway to the Divine. I might still be ill, stuck in depression, or even in the midst of entering my dying process, but acceptance restores my connection with the Divine. My pain becomes part of God instead of something “other.”

Learning to make peace with pain is so much harder than fighting it. For example,our whole culture teaches we must “fight cancer”. Doctors say the patient can't die “on my watch”. We are a “death phobic” and then a “pain phobic” culture. Turning another direction, towards suffering, is brave. Just recently, I was visiting a sweet woman friend as she was having her hair cut since chemo would take her hair very soon anyway. She stated, “I'm not fighting cancer. I am meeting it.” She is one courageous lady.

Much of the time, I don't understand why pain comes or why a 'loving God' would allow for it.
I have discovered that all of my pain, emotional or physical, does,ultimately, have meaning. Through my pain, I become more connected with everyone everywhere and my compassion deepens and blossoms. Sometimes this only happens in retrospect, sometimes I actually see the value in the moment.About two years ago, I had an unusual heart condition called Takotsubo. This is a Japanese word meaning broken heart syndrome. While going through the process of diagnosis and treatment, I LEARNED SO MUCH ABOUT MYSELF. I was able to see clearly, as if for the first time, how many times in this lifetime my heart has been broken. And, I also see how I've used this frequent heartbreak to become broken open. Resting and recuperating gave me a whole new window on what really matters most to me in my life today. I'm so grateful for this perspective that truly supports me to live more in the moment. I really don't mind when my heart starts issuing the signal that it's time to do less and be more... (that's not always true – sometimes I
do mind because I am so utterly caught up in doing that I really don't want to stop.)

I've also learned that I didn't do anything wrong. It's an old, old story to consider that I did something to cause an illness. I don't really have a punishing God today.My God walks beside me through the whole ordeal. I remember a quote from Jesus which says “I walk beside you all the days of your life.” Often God shows up in the kindness of friends, in time alone in nature, in the animals that comfort me and in my husband's arms.

Kim Rosen, author of “Saved by a Poem” wrote a lovely poem called “In Impossible Darkness,” that captures the heart of this blog beautifully.


In Impossible Darkness

Do you know how the caterpillar turns?
Do you remember what happens inside a cocoon?
You liquefy.

There in the thick black of your self spun womb
Void as the moon before waxing

You melt
(as Christ did for three days in the tomb)

conceiving
in impossible darkness
the sheer inevitability of wings.
I pray that I, and we, can continue learning how to drop our judgments about pain and suffering so that our lives are full of self acceptance and acceptance of one another at the deepest level.

Thank you for listening,

Patricia
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    Patricia Flasch

    Patricia has always been fascinated by the discovery of the Soul and she has spent a lifetime passing her message on to students and seekers all over the world.


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